


a hostile new carthage

by kendrasaunders



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Gen, Monopoly Goes Horribly Wrong, Utter Nonsense, Whiskey Slaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 08:36:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6463300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kendrasaunders/pseuds/kendrasaunders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fastest dissolving game of Monopoly ever attempted. Featuring not one but six dick jokes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a hostile new carthage

**Author's Note:**

> quick thing, mick and sara do play whiskey slaps (where you do a shot of whiskey and then slap the other person) so if that makes you uncomfortable, totally fine, but i wanted you to know in advance it's there so that you know! love ya <3

“Kendra. Look at me. Look at me in my eye-holes.” Sara gestures, jabbing her fingers toward her eyes. They’re kind of disquieting, and not just because she hasn’t blinked in what seems like an unusually long amount of time. “I will go down on you for an hour if you give me Tennessee Avenue.”

Kendra glances down at her card. Taps her nails. “You’d have to do it right now.”

“I will do five minutes right now,” Sara says. “Fifty-five later.”

“Deal,” Kendra says.

“No deal!” Rip says, grabbing Sara by the back of her shirt and tugging her away from Kendra. “You are not performing oral sex in the common area for-“ He waves his hand around for a good five seconds, reddening in the face. “A piece of imaginary property!”

“A deal’s a deal, Rip,” Len interjects. “Let the women do business.”

“If you want to watch Sara perform oral sex on Kendra,” Rip says. “Then you can wait until we are not playing this God-forsaken board game.”

“I’m having a good time,” Ray offers.

“I need to know Sara’s gonna stick to her deal,” Kendra says. “Haven’t you ever done a business transaction?”

“Have you?” Rip says.

Kendra darts her gaze. “No… But I’ve watched movies!”

“Practically indistinguishable,” Len says, with a motion of his hand. “It’s a fair deal, Rip. She gets a hit of the supply now, and the rest of the goods later.”

“You will have to take Sara on her word that she will perform later,” Rip says, with no small amount of pure, seething hatred. “Or it is no deal.”

Kendra frowns. “Fine,” she says, sliding the card to Sara. “You’ll make sure she follows through?” she asks Len. “Honor code, and all.”

“I’ll guard this deal with my life,” Len promises.

“Same,” Mick says.

 

 

Rip rubs the heel of his hand against his forehead. “Just roll, Sara.”

“Um, no,” she says. “Not done making deals. Ray, give me St. James Place.”

“Sure!” Ray says.

“No, Raymond,” Leonard says, slamming his hand over Ray’s before he can hand Sara the card. “She has to make an offer.”

“I really hate you,” Sara says.

“I really hate that you’re trying to hoard all the oranges,” Jax says. “When you know I have the reds.”

“Tell that to your two houses per property,” Kendra says. “No one wants you to have the corner.”

“Ray, give me the orange,” Jax says.

“You can’t make deals during my deal!” Sara says.

“Okay, fine.” Jax wavers an accusatory finger. “Ray, don’t make a deal with Sara during this round, and wait to make a deal with me.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Sara says. “He’s a cheater and a liar and he’ll make us all go bankrupt if you listen to him.”

“I-“ Ray says. “Uh-“

“If you turn on me, you’re turning on Professor Stein,” Jax says. “That man is practically a father to you.”

“That man very wisely chose to read a book instead of playing monopoly,” Rip says, glancing over to Stein.

From his corner, in the comfy chair, Stein smirks to himself.

Ray seems to be growing increasingly frazzled, fussing with the hem of his shirt. “I don’t want to betray the professor-“

“But you’d betray Ollie?” Sara asks. “You’d turn your back on me? On Star City?”

“Oh please,” Kendra says. “We’d all betray Oliver Queen if given the chance.”

“I wouldn’t!” Ray insists.

“Well that’s a total of one person,” Sara says. “But for real. Hand over your property.”

“You’re both missing something rather crucial, here,” Len says, over the din of Sara and Jax squabbling. “You haven’t made Raymond an offer.”

“That’s bad business sense,” Mick says. “Just shameful.”

“Entirely shameful, Mick,” Len says. “Truly amateur hour.”

“Well, what do you want?” Jax says. “For St. James?”

Ray looks down at his cards, then at Jax’s. “Your railroad.”

“You already have two,” Jax says.

“I know,” Ray says. “And I want three.”

Mick slaps Ray on the back so hard that Ray’s chest knocks into the table. “I knew you had it in you!”

“Ow,” Ray responds.

“I’ll do you one better,” Sara says. “Both utilities.”

“You don’t have the utilities,” Len says. “Mick does.”

Sara lifts her right hand from her lap, flicking the cards between her prone fingers. “Oh?”

 

 

Which, naturally, is when Mick pulls his gun.

Sara, in an articulate response, grabs a knife that could only have feasibly been in her bra.

At that point, it would’ve been surprising for Len not to pull out his gun. He’s got an image, and all.

And Kendra, who isn’t super great with anxiety, wings out before she can stop herself.

Mick and Ray get a mouthful or two of feathers. At least.

“Twenty-one minutes,” Rip says, tapping his watch. “We lasted twenty-one minutes before the weapons came out.”

“She stole my shit!” Mick insists. “How is this my fault?”

“Starling City rules,” Sara says, flicking the cards between her two fingers. “If you cared, you would’ve kept watch.”

Len lets out something like a snicker. “Central City rules,” he corrects. “Two guns beat one knife.”

“Okay,” Rip says. “I’m sure-“

"So you're on Mick's side?" Sara asks.

"A crew's a crew," Len says. "Especially in Monopoly.”

Sara twirls her knife. "Coast City double down. Ladies choice.”

"Those rules haven't been valid since the nineties," Len says.

"Bludhaven three step," Mick says. "We go outside and handle this the right way." 

"I'm sorry," Kendra says, pushing her wing off Ray and folding them behind her back. "A Bludhaven-“

Len holds his hand up. "We're not there, Mick." He looks to Sara. "Yet."

"Gotham rules," Sara says. "Finders keepers, section two."

"Overwritten by the Calvin City incident," Len says. "You know that."

"I know where Calvin City is!" Ray adds.

"Are you guys just naming random cities?" Kendra asks. "Am I crazy?"

Jax reaches for the card. ”Ray, just give me St. Johns.”

"You do that," Sara says. "And the rules change automatically to a hostile New Carthage."

"A hostile New-" Rip shakes his head. "Will the three of you stop spitting out nonsense?"

"We do this the Metropolis way, no stops," Len says. "Three strikes, fair play."

Sara narrows her eyes. "Make it Keystone, one round."

"Done," Mick says. "We need drinks."

"What in the everloving fuck are you three on about?" Rip demands. "Are you about to blow up my ship?"

"I'm pretty sure Kendra’s right,” Jax says. “They just made that up."

"All slang is made up, Jefferson." Stein doesn't look up from his book. "That's how language works."

"You know I can feel how smug you are about this whole thing, right?" Jax says. "You're lucky I don't Bludhaven two step you."

"That does not mean what you think it means," Len says.

"Yikes," Sara adds.

"What's a Bludhaven two step?" Ray asks.

"Have you ever killed a man?" Mick says.

"No!" Ray says. "Of course not!"

"Then we can't tell you," Len says, rummaging through the cabinets of the study. "Rip, do you keep whiskey on this thing?”

“No,” Rip says. “No, there’s no alcohol on this ship, come back here so we can just flip a goddamn coin.”

“It’s to the left of the globe!” Ray adds.

“Thank you, Raymond,” Len says.

“Yes, Raymond,” Rip says. “Thank you.”

Len procures an ancient-looking bottle of what’s probably whiskey from the cabinet. Shakes the contents. “This may make you both go blind.”

“I can live with that,” Mick says.

“Can you?” Jax asks.

Mick shrugs.

 

 

“The name of the game is Whiskey Slaps,” Len announces, ignoring the look Rip gives him.

“I thought it was a Keystone,” Kendra says.

“Same thing,” Sara says.

“According to what?” Kendra asks.

“Whiskey Slaps,” Len repeats. “A tradition as old as time.”

“False,” Rip says.

“A contest of honor, endurance, and strength,” Len says. “Does everyone know how the game is played?”

“Sure,” Stein says.

“No one knows how it’s played,” Kendra says.

“I do,” Ray says.

A beat.

“You guys do know I was in a fraternity, right?”

“That explains so much,” Sara says.

“And yet nothing at all,” Jax says.

“I was president!” Ray says. “We won spirit week and everything.”

“That’s great, Raymond,” Len says, not breaking eye contact. “Thank you so much for sharing.”

Ray beams. “We should go visit me in college.”

“Because that works out so well,” Stein says.

“College Ray is probably a lot less trouble than college you,” Kendra says.

“And probably smokes less pot,” Sara says.

“Honestly, he would have to,” Jax says. “Or he probably wouldn’t have graduated.”

With a huff, Stein looks up from his book. “There is nothing wrong with recreational marijuana.”

“I agree,” Mick says.

“Here here,” Len says, placing the bottle in the center of the board. “The rules of Whiskey Slaps. Sara and Mick will do a shot at the same time. Then one will slap the other, and attempt to knock their opponent to the ground. If the opponent falls, the slapper wins.”

“I’m sorry,” Rip says. “We’re going to let Mick and Sara play this?”

“Yeah,” Sara says. “Why?”

“He has 150 pounds on you,” Kendra says. “Just saying.”

Sara scoffs. “Please.”

“It’s probably like, 125,” Mick says. “I’ve lost some muscle tone recently.”

“And the world is worse off for it,” Len says. “Do the two of you agree to the terms of the challenge?”

“Absolutely,” Sara says.

“Yeah,” Mick adds. “Sounds fine.”

“Rip,” Len says. “Any last words?”

“I hate you, and I think I’m going to let Vandal Savage destroy humanity.”

“Beautiful,” Len says.

“Rude,” Ray points out.

“Just slap each other and get it the fuck over with,” Rip says. 

“That’s the spirit,” Mick adds. No one knows if he’s being sarcastic or not. No one ever knows.

 

 

“Sara,” Rip says, watching Mick pour shots. “Just a disclaimer, if he dislocates your jaw it’s your own fault.”

“Please,” Sara says. “Not gonna happen.”

“Same goes for you, Mick,” Rip adds. “She’s probably going to end up breaking something on you.”

Mick shrugs. “It’ll grow back.”

Rip blinks. “Sure.”

“So,” Jax says, not bothering with concern. “Who slaps first?”

“It goes alphabetically,” Len says. “By first name.”

“So we’re all about to watch Sara die,” Kendra says. “Okay.”

“Not gonna die,” Sara says. “I can’t be killed, obviously.”

“That’s false,” Rip says. “That is patently false.”

“Whatever.” Sara takes her drink. Raises it to Mick. “You ready, bitch baby?”

He returns the gesture. “Just don’t get mad if you actually do die.”

They clink glasses, tossing back what everyone hopes is whiskey. No one can be sure.

Sara hasn’t even set down her glass when Mick sends her flying into the record player.

Ray almost jumps out of his seat, if not for the rest of the team shooting him a look. “What?” he asks.

Len just rolls his eyes.

Sara flails her legs for a moment, letting out a cough. “Ha!” She pulls herself up, grinning as a red mark forms on her cheek. “I’ve gotten hit harder in bed, cowboy.”

“That was an antique,” Rip says, mostly to himself. “If anyone cares, that was from the 20s.”

“She didn’t hit the ground, Mick,” Len says. “So she gets a turn.”

Sara grins, popping her shoulder back into place.

“Um-“ Kendra gestures. “Sure you’re okay, Sara?”

“Never better,” Sara says. Her gaze burns, terribly alive, and at this point, it’s safe to assume that probably wasn’t whiskey.

“Fair’s fair,” Mick says.

“Gotta work on that aim,” Len says. “A few more inches to the right, and you would’ve won.”

Sara cracks her knuckles. “Ready?”

Mick squares his shoulders. “All yours, little lady.”

She gets a running start, which is absolutely cheating. And the cracking sound that echoes across the study can’t be a good sign.

But Mick doesn’t fall. He barely even flinches.

“God damn it,” Sara says. “You’re a tank.”

With a shrug, Mick opens his hand and spits blood into his palm. “You got a tooth,” he offers.

“Ew,” Jax says.

“Aw,” Sara says, over him.

“I can put that back,” Ray offers. “I minored in dentistry.”

“How?” Kendra asks.

“By going to the registrar and-“

“Nevermind,” Kendra says. “So they both lost. What happens now?”

 

 

“Sudden death,” Sara says. “My specialty.”

“Don’t get haughty,” Mick says, a small whistling sound escaping his lips. “I’ve clearly never lost, either.”

“I’m sorry,” Rip says. “Does sudden death involve one of you killing the other?”

“Duh,” Sara says.

“Yeah, Rip,” Len adds. “Duh.”

Rip seethes. “Find something else.”

“Oh come on!” Sara says. “Sudden death is great! One time, in the League, this game of chess went into sudden death. Nyssa took a sword right through her right side. Probably pierced something vital. Didn’t even flinch.”

“That sounds terrifying,” Kendra says.

“Terrifyingly awesome,” Mick says.

He and Sara high five.

“But for real,” Sara says. “If we can’t do sudden death, then there’s only one other option.”

Rip pinches the bridge of his nose. “If it’s a murder contest-“

“It’s not, but amazing idea,” Sara says. “No, the only option is-“

“A drag race,” Len says. “Usually to the death, but someone is being stingy about it.”

“We were just playing Monopoly,” Rip says. “How in the fuck did we get to this? Where do you plan to get the cars? Why can’t Sara just apologize for stealing and we resume our game?”

“It’s a matter of honor,” Mick says.

“And skill,” Sara adds.

“No drag racing,” Rip adds. “No sudden death. No more fucking whiskey slaps into my goddamn priceless antiques!”

“I have a suggestion,” Ray says, and the room falls silent.

Len raises a single brow. “Oh?”

“Well, when I used to go to summer camp,” Ray says. “We’d have a color war. And the conclusion to the color war was this big relay race around the lake. And yeah, it’s not a drag race, but racing is involved, so-“

“It makes sense,” Sara says. “A drunk, naked lake race.”

“We weren’t, um-“ Ray fiddles with his hands. “We were thirteen?”

“And now you’re a grown up,” Len says. “And this is an all hands on deck naked lake race.”

“What?” Jax says. “I don’t want to run around a lake naked.”

“You do if you want to keep your properties,” Len says. “Anyone who doesn’t participate forfeits their stake in the game.”

“What?” Kendra demands. “That’s not fair! You’re just making up these rules as you go along.”

“Life isn’t fair,” Mick says.

“Such a shame I’m not playing,” Stein adds, from his corner. He turns the page of his book. “Really. You all seem to be having such a great time.”

“I hate you,” Jax offers.

“Of course you do,” Stein says.

“Where are we even going to find a lake?” Rip adds.

“We can use Ray’s camp,” Sara says. “Just go in the fall, when no one’s around.”

“You want me to desecrate the ground of Camp Whispering Pines?” Ray asks.

“We’ve all got to desecrate our childhood memories at some point,” Len says. “It’s a rite of passage.”

Ray crosses his arms. “I don’t think-“

“Do you want to keep Boardwalk or not?” Mick says.

 

 

A sigh of resignation. “Okay so,” Ray fidgets with his belt. “Could you guys not comment on my-“

“Your what?” Kendra says.

“You know,” Ray says. “Since we’re all getting naked, and you guys always tease me about my-“

“Huge pet snake?” Sara asks.

“Big dick?” Jax adds, over her.

“Frighteningly large member?” Rip says.

Ray tries to shrink into his own chest. “Yes. That.”

“No can do, Raymond,” Len says. “You were gifted with that-“ He gestures. “And we were gifted with the ability to comment on it until the end of time.”

“Ugh,” Ray says, zipping down his fly. “This is college all over again.”

“I’m sorry,” Kendra says, pulling off her shirt. “What did you do in college?”

“Weird shit, it sounds like,” Jax says.

“It was not weird!” Ray says. “There is nothing weird about bonding with your friends.”

Sara’s unhooking her bra. “So this isn’t weird, then?”

Ray swallows. He avoids scanning the group, and his gaze finds the ground. “Not at all.”

“You all agreed to get naked rather quickly,” Rip says. “Just want to point that out.”

“Well,” Jax says. “You’ve got a set of corner properties we’re all eying, so-“

Rip frowns, and shrugs off his coat. “This proves nothing,” he says. “Gideon, set a course for Camp Whispering Pines, early fall.”

“Last chance to join, Professor,” Mick says, again with that trademark not-sarcasm.

Professor Stein lifts his book to obscure his face, and says nothing at all.

 

 

“I want the record to reflect that this is more than I ever wanted to see of any of you,” Stein says, tugging his windbreaker against the chill. “And if you all get pneumonia from his, you undoubtedly deserve it.”

“Great,” Kendra says, hugging against Ray for warmth. “Really.”

Sara bounces in place, earning her stares. “Yeah, I have tits,” she says, rubbing her own arms. “And it’s fucking twelve degrees out, so-“

“Fifty-three,” Mick says. “It’s fifty-three degrees out.”

“Forty-five with the wind chill,” Stein corrects. “You’re all going to catch your death out here.” 

“A rousing opening speech,” Len says. “Thank you, Professor.”

“Yeah,” Jax says, covering himself with his hands. “Thanks.”

“The game is three laps around the lake, apparently,” Stein says. “I’m not entirely sure what the end goal is, I wasn’t really paying attention. Just go, already.”

On cue, Mick picks Rip up and throws him into the lake. 

“Hey!” Rip yells, head resurfacing. “What the absolute fuck?!”

“Seemed appropriate,” Mick says.

“He’s right,” Len says, toppling both Ray and Kendra into the water.

“Oh my God!” Ray says. “This is so much colder than I remember!”

Kendra grins to herself before emerging from the lake, like some kind of soaking wet angel of doom. She grabs Len by his arm, throwing him in.

Sara roars with laughter. “You guys are so stupid.” Without prompting, she jumps in.

“I cannot believe this,” Jax says, slowly wading into the water. “I can’t believe you guys are going to make me freeze my dick off.”

“That’s teamwork,” Rip says, spitting out lake water.

Kendra gently lands on the water’s edge, folding back her wings. “I think I need to let my feathers dry.” She sits down on the silt, letting her legs dangle into the lake. “This is more fun than I expected.”

Mick settles beside her, offering her the not-whiskey. 

“Thank you.”

“Where were you hiding that?” Sara asks.

“Wasn’t hiding it,” Mick says. “I was holding it. You guys just didn’t ask.”

“My book is on the ship,” Stein says, desolately. “Honestly. The things I have to do for you people.”

“This is absolutely not whiskey,” Kendra says, passing back the bottle. “I think this might be some low grade poison.”

Mick shrugs, and takes another drink.

“Hey!” Sara yells. “Mick!”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t just steal your utilizes.” Sara says. “I also stole $120 from your money stack.”

Mick tosses the bottle to Kendra. “You little-“

“Oh come on!” Rip says. “Both of you!”

“Come and get it!” Sara yells. “I’m an expert at water combat.”

“Not a real thing,” Len says, splashing her in the face.

She bristles. “You asshole.”

He grins.

Kendra wisely scoots back on the shore, gesturing for Ray to come over.

He swims to her, pulling himself out of the lake.

“Wow,” she says. “The water did not make you any less-“

“Mammoth?” Len shouts.

“Ray has a lake monster in his pants,” Sara helpfully adds.

“The lake destroyer,” Mick says.

“Lake destroyer,” Sara chants. “Lake destroyer.”

Ray settles down with a huff. “It is not a lake destroyer!”

“It destroys something,” Jax says. “That’s for sure.”

“Guys!”

“Please leave Ray’s penis alone,” Rip says. “It has nothing to do with this.”

“Thank you.” 

“We’ll have time to make fun later,” Rip says. “For now, I really think we should let Sara and Mick try to drown each other.”

“Eh,” Len shrugs. “I guess.”

“Wait,” Ray says. “Why are we making fun of it later?”

“Come on Mick!” Sara says. “First person to meet Jesus wins!”

He lumbers into the water, all force and no grace. “Oh, you’re on.”

 

 

By the end of the night, Mick only needs a little bit of CPR.

 

 

And that’s a success story.


End file.
